Who Do They Think We Are? #2.5 - Doncaster Rovers’ “BillyStubbsTears”
What is your take on the farce that is Newcastle United? Where did it all go wrong?
Black & white bunting on the lamposts on the way to the middle of Toon off the Redyoof and grannies wearing Northern Rock shirts? These one-club big towns eh? It were allus gunner end in tears. We have two Dee-Dah clubs down here who are happy as long as they are the cock of the town. Seems you lot equated being cock of Newcastle with greatness.
Are you looking forward to the NUFC bandwagon, and all that follows it, joining you in the Championship?
Aye. When it comes to bandwagons, we are a vertiable Sioux ambush. First you’ll hear will be the “woh-woh-woh” hand-flapping-on-the-gob war cry and before you can say John Wayne is Big Leggy, we’ll have your scalp in our feathery codpieces.
How do you see NUFC doing this season?
You’ll piss it. Big clubs allus do. Just ask Leeds. And Forest. And Derby. And Leeds. And Wensdeh. And Leeds.
Who are the key men/positions?
Seriously? If Derby last season are anything to go by, a midfielder who realises that he might have to perspire once or twice.
What are your honest thoughts on NUFC fans?
Since the day I narrowly avoided being pissed on by one from the top of a lamp-post in the Bigg Market at 4pm on a Sunday after you’d lost a cup semi, disgust.
(PS: For clarification, it was HIM at the top of the lamp-post, not me. Had the roles been reversed, my judgement would have been amended to “grudging admiration”.)
Where do you see your club finishing this season?
If the games lasted 80 minutes, in an Inter-Toto Cup place, eh Rigo?
Are you happy with your manager/chairman/infrastructure?
Top notch. Our chairman’s dental infrastructure is regularly maintained by his old company.
What are your clubs strengths and weaknesses?
Strengths? Apart from a Forum clientelle that comes down like a tonne of South Yorkshire shite on dropped apostrophes? Well, we’ve touched bottoms that big lads like you can’t even begin to contemplate. It puts life in perspective.
(NB: No pun intended there, but it works both ways. When we get knacked by yor lads next year, I can console myself that we are PLAYING yor lot, not Leek Town. And if that doesn’t work, I can…ahh…relieve my frustration with the memory of a handful of Adele Turner’s pert bare derierre up a back alley in Sheffield in 1987.)
Weaknesses? 10 years back we were getting arseholed by Celtic*. We’ve come a long way quickly since then and every once in a while, my noctural peace is shattered by the vivid and terrifying thought that it might be built on dodgy foundations. Even if the pins are already there for an extension.
Who will be your key player in 09/10?
Lewis Guy. You heard it here. O’Driscoll is never wrong (apart from Theo Streete, Harry Worley, Paul Green, Tomi Ameoba, Danny Cadamarteri, Paul Heffernan etc.) so his faith in the placcy Geordie is bound to come to fruition this year.
What’s your predictions for the games between our sides?
You’ll arsehole us. Big clubs allus do. Just ask Leeds. And Forest. And Derby. And Leeds. And Wensdeh. And Leeds. And ’ Bleyyyddes. And Leeds. And Rushden.
Will you be coming to St James Park – and if so, what do you expect from your trip?
Aye. And I expect that, post-match, I’ll be micturated upon from up a lamp-post while absent-mindedly wandering through the Bigg Market trying to compose a rhyming couplet from the unlikely ingredients of “Lewis Guy”, “Why-aye” “Three goals” and “Newcastle coals”.
